AB 2382, Satire

The following transcript has been marked “Classified”.

The contents below were transcribed from a recording recovered during a counter-intelligence operation.  Well, actually it was produced through the Mueller Investigation looking for collusion between the Trump administration and the Russians.  Turns out the Russians were able to plant a listening device in, or around, the California Assembly Public Safety Committee chambers.  Portions of the tape are inaudible; however, the following transcribed conversation took place regarding AB-2382 (also known as the Precursor Parts Bill).

-Discussion begins as 10:17-

Assemblywoman Anita Snodgrass (D-Canoga Park):  “Well, I don’t know why we are even discussing this.  The fact that people can just use magic, and make assault weapons means we need to round up witches and warlocks! I mean, they are already trying to conjure ghost guns.”

Assemblywoman Jo Franklin (R-Brea):  “What the hell?  Anita, are you serious?  You can’t be serious.  This is a joke, right?  Anita, what will your constituents think if they find out that you are advocating locking up non-traditional religious groups?”

Assemblywoman Anita Snodgrass (D-Canoga Park):  ”What?! I never said that!  Why are you saying that I said that?  This is the same rightwing smear campaign that we have come to expect!  I totally respect people of non-traditional religious faith.  I just don’t want anyone to have a gun!  What?  How did we get here?  This is supposed to be about keeping guns out of the hands of victims.  No! Wait!  I am not supposed to say that out loud!  No one needs a gun.  No one needs to make a gun.  How? Did?  Mr. Chairman, I have no idea what I am talking about I need your help!”

Chairman Alfonso De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “Thank you for you passion Assemblywoman Snodgrass.  We can take it from here.  We need to make sure that 2382 passes, and we would really like to get some fascist support… er… Excuse me… Republican support on this too.  After all, no one wants nut-jobs making unregistered guns.”

-Paper rustling-

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “Well, since I am the only Republican here I am assuming you are directing that comment to me.  It should be obvious that I take umbrage at the use of the word “fascist” when describing our party.  If you want to throw these monikers around, your own party bears a far more striking resemblance to fascism than ours.  Ours is probably guilty more of abject incompetence than anything else.  I object to 2382 on a practical level.  What is a precursor part? You want to regulate the component parts of a firearm, but when does a chunk of metal become a precursor to a firearm?  Is it based on the intent of the maker?  Is it based on the use of product for alternative purposes?  This whole thing just looks like it is far too arbitrary and vague.”

Chairman Alfonso De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “So?”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “So… if it is arbitrary and vague, it will not pass Constitutional muster.”

Chairman Alfonso De. Lipid (D-Fresno):  “Honestly, Ms. Franklin, when have we ever been concerned about passing a so-called Constitutional law?”

Assemblyman Leroy Jackson-Goldberg (D-South Los Angeles):  “I’ve got a better one!  My constituents are constantly on my back to limit the number of guns that the pubic has available.  Each time one of my boys tries to improve his economic standing by liberating property from those rich people in Beverly Hills, or down in Orange County, they are scared they might get shot.  We need to make it more difficult for their suppliers to get guns!”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  ”Suppliers?”

Chairman Alfonso De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “He means victims.”

Assemblyman Jorge Gonzales (D-Menlo Park):  “He has a point.”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “He has a what?!  What are you talking about?!  He is advocating crime!  Are you people crazy?”

-Laughter can be heard at 10:25-

Chairman De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “I think we will move on.”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “No, wait, let’s just think about the practicality of this bill.  If someone goes into Home Depot and buys a piece of pipe, then he has to go through a registration process, because they might make it into the barrel of a gun?  If people go to a metal shop, they will have to register all of the blocks of aluminum they buy because they might mill them into a weapon?  You realize that anyone who is now a prohibited person as a result of a domestic violence conviction could never walk into Home Depot or a metal shop again?”

Assemblyman Frank Pedillo-Smerkoff (D-Santa Monica):  “Wait, what?”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “That’s right, Frank.  If someone is a prohibited person, either by felony or misdemeanor domestic violence, he literally could be arrested for simply being in a place where so-called ‘precursor parts’ are present.  Worse, if his sprinklers go out, and he buys these precursor parts he, and the people who sell him the parts, could go to jail.”

Assemblyman Frank Pedillo-Smerkoff (D-Santa Monica):  “Oh my God! Did we write an exemption into this for members of the Assembly and Senate?”

Chairman De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “Yes, lifetime exemption.”

Assemblyman Frank Pedillo-Smerkoff (D-Santa Monica):  “Whew, okay, well, then I am good with it.”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “Are you serious?! Because you have an exemption from this idiotic law you are okay with it?”

Chairman De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “Okay, we have spent enough time on this; let’s call for a vote.  Those in favor of passing this out of committee and sending it to the Assembly, vote ‘Aye’.”

-10:32- Various “Ayes” are heard.

-10:33- A single “No” is heard.

Chairman De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “The measure passes unanimously.”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “What?! I voted no!”

Chairman De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “Your vote does not count.  You are here as a guest.”

Assemblywoman Franklin (R-Brea):  “What the hell?  I am an elected representative, and I serve on this committee!”

Chairman De Lipid (D-Fresno):  “Spoken like a true fascist.”

Assemblyman Jorge Gonzales (D-Menlo Park):  “He has a point.”