Ms. Doe and The Chinese

PARODY!!!!  (Don’t lose your mind!!!!)

San Francisco

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals handed down a decision today in Jane Doe v PRC. This landmark decision puts the Chinese Army on notice that it must alter its hiring and retention policies to ensure diversity among the ranks, specifically the special forces units.

“This marks the end of a multi-year battle for inclusion and diversity globally. It is fitting that Ms. Doe now has the opportunity to participate as a full-fledged member of the Chinese Army,” said Jonathan T. Hardwell, chief appellate counsel for the plaintiff.

Ms. Doe began her career as an aspiring communist in the early 90s. After graduating from UC Berkley with a degree in gender studies, Ms. Doe took the courageous step to undergo gender reassignment surgery. While as a man Ms. Doe was not known to be particularly athletic; she was a huge devotee of sports and watching 80’s war movies. It was during these formative years she decided she wanted to be a special operations soldier.

She was not interested, however, in being part of the imperialist U.S. Army. Having discovered a true fondness for Chinese food, she began to look into the opportunities the PRC had to offer.

In 2008 she traveled to Beijing, intent on signing up with the Chinese Army. Initially the Chinese were welcoming and wanted to talk to her about all sorts of things. The relationship quickly soured when she told them that she had no interest in rehashing all of the imperialistic propaganda the U.S. regularly promulgates. She wanted to sign on the dotted line, be a soldier in the People’s Army, and go through special forces training.

Her Chinese contacts told her that entering the ranks of the Chinese Army would be impossible for a variety of reasons. They claimed that as an American (and she saw no reason to renounce her citizenship), they could not accept her. She knew, however, that was not the real reason. Saddened by the lack of progressive inclusion, Ms. Doe realized that the real resistance was her sexual identity.

Returning home Ms. Doe decided to become another sort of warrior, a warrior for social justice… well, a warrior for social justice in China at least.

Seeking out the help from the Law Offices of Cranston Randal Aschot and Parnell, Ms. Doe decided to file a civil lawsuit against the PRC.

“We looked at its assets to determine jurisdiction. Not going to lie, it was a novel approach. Even though the harm occured in China, we decided to claim that since the defendants had assets in America, to the extent that those assets were vulnerable, we decided to go after them. Typically a 1983 civil rights action would only apply to U.S. based grievances, but we decided… what the hell. The 9th Circuit has never bound itself to the confines of the Constitution… why not make it work in our favor?,” said John Cranston, Ms. Doe’s lead trial attorney.

They even received help from some unlikely sources.

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The United States Department of Defense was initially barred from participating in the lawsuit under pressure from the Biden-Harris administration. Anonymous sources in the administration stated that the general consensus was that meddling with internal Chinese affairs would have repercussions the administration would prefer to avoid.

Politics, however, does not operate in a vacuum. LGBTQ activists began putting pressure on the administration to support Ms. Doe in her efforts.

While maintaining their prohibition on active U.S. Military support for Ms. Doe’s claim, they did allow for the filing of amicus curiae briefs to be filed with the court. The U.S. Department of Defense drafted a full-throated endorsement of Ms. Doe’s claim, and demanding that the only remedy that would make her, and others like her, whole, is an opening of the Chinese Army to all individuals who want to participate, regardless of gender or sexual identification.

“Look, we are in a defensive position right now against China, and all of our simulations suggest that in a direct confrontation in the South China Sea, we lose. The Soviets ran a pretty sophisticated program against us to degrade our military; we see no reason not to employ the same tactic against the Chinese. Let them focus their efforts away from war fighting and technological buildup and, instead, worry about inclusiveness,” said LTC “Frosty” John Wainright, head of the Judge Advocate General Team that drafted the brief in support of Ms. Doe.

When asked about similar inclusive programs in the U.S. Military, LTC Wainright referred us to the U.S. Army’s powerpoint presentation of sexual harassment prevention.

General Xi Piao of the Chinese Army Central Command did respond to our request for comment by issuing the following statement:

“Yeah… ugh… no.”

It remains unclear if the Chinese are going to alter the policies after Ms. Doe’s victory.