Sacramento 2018… A Parody

Sacramento 2018

The CEO, Dan Blankisoff, of Home Despot, the nation’s largest home improvement retailer, announced that, effective immediately, the retail giant would cease selling products that can be used to kill.

“For too long we have been a party to carnage. The Second Amendment sadly prevents the government from regulating out-of-existence firearms.  The reality, though, is that most tragedies occur using the very products we sell.  Nothing mandates that we sell these dangerous products, and there is no Constitutional authority that would prevent us from discontinuing their sales.

Dick’s Sporting Goods took the bold step of ceasing the sale of ‘assault rifles.’  We are taking the bolder step of removing from our shelves everything that a criminal could use to kill another person.”

When asked exactly what products would be coming off the shelves, Blankisoff looked at the reporter for seven seconds before answering.

“We have people looking into that.”

“I understand, sir, but from my own experience, literally everything you sell in your stores could be used as a weapon, from hammers, to metal pipe, to paint… Is there anything that you sell that could not be used as a weapon?”

His response was simply, “I told you, we have people looking into it.”  He then turned to California State Senator Francis Xavier Garcia Snodgrass.  He was recorded scolding Senator Snodgrass on the hot mike saying, “Frank, what the hell man?  You told me there would not be any aggressive questions!  I’m going to look like an idiot up here!  This is crap, man!”

Senator Snodgrass quickly ran past Blankisoff, and took the microphone.

Speaking to reporters, Senator Snodgrass was quoted as saying, “What are you guys doing?  Do I need to remind you who pays your bills?  We were able to get Blankisoff to publicly come out and ride the wave of anti-gun sentiment, and come up with something that shows that he, and we, care.  You have the audacity to question him on it?  Who the hell do you think you are?  Banning guns, or classes of guns, has much potential to stop a shooting as a restraining order has in stopping a stalker.  You guys should know better.  You are not allowed to judge us on whether what we are doing makes any sense… you can only judge us on our motivations. Well, our stated motivations.”

Blankisoff was seen yelling at an aid as he walked off behind the curtains.

(If you have arrived here from our newsletter, continue reading here…)

While the press conference was underway with Senator Snodgrass and Mr. Blankisoff, legislation was also being presented on the other side of the country that would make citizens safer.

In New Jersey, Senator Sally Cortez-Lipshitz introduced legislation to allow for state product regulation of kitchen and chef retail stores.

“Every day I go to the mall, I have a panic attack,” said Senator Cortez-Lipshitz.  “I walk by Sur la Table or Crate and Barrel and I feel terrified.  Do you have any idea what they sell in there? They have hundreds of assault knives and weapons that are, in some instances, almost a foot long.  Who needs a knife that is a foot long?  Some of their pots and pans are dangerous, too.  These weapons are being sold to God knows who, without any sort of government oversight.  That needs to stop now!”

Jim “Big Bob” Gomez, owner of Big Bob’s Big Trucks in Austin, Texas, also announced that he would no longer sell oversized pick-up trucks to the general public.

“No one needs to own a truck, especially one capable of holding more than a thousand pounds. I’m mean, really, if you want to be a truck driver, join the Teamsters Union.  Only trained professionals should have access to these weapons of destruction, and certainly no one needs anything more than a 30-inch tire.”

Jim Maddison of the Constitution Project, a controversial pro-Constitution think tank, was asked for his thoughts.

His reply was simply, “Sigh…”

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